Dark Thought

THIS STORY IS TAKEN FROM MY THESIS ‘HOMECOMING.’ IT MAY NOT BE USED BY ANY PUBLICATION OR INDIVIDUAL WITHOUT MY CONSENT. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL LEAD TO LEGAL ACTION BEING TAKEN.

 

I closed my eyes and remembered: a dark night with a skinny guy who was strong and aggressive, suffocating me. His whole arm was across my chest and his other hand dragged my short denim skirt up to my waist. My heart was in my mouth. I couldn’t kick him I was trying to keep my legs closed. He held me up against the wall and I didn’t scream. I couldn’t believe what was happening. What was Sipho doing? Panic blazed in my chest. “I told you that I don’t want to have sex.” My soft voice whispered. “Wena uyisifebe sami.”

I felt ugly every time he called me that but I didn’t know how to tell him. He called me that every time we had sex. It made me feel like a dirty fuck. It wasn’t sex, I didn’t want it. It was scary and I couldn’t breathe. I shifted my body to get a bit of air. We were outside in the garden but no neighbours could see: no one to save me. I tried to push him off me but my ‘No’ kept turning him on. His breath was heavy and fast. He smelt like soap. He pulled down his tracksuit pants and pried my legs apart. I hit the back of my head against the wall. He was stronger than me. I made it easier: I wasn’t wearing panties when he ripped inside of me. He ‘won.’ Breathlessly he thrust into me, his locs hit my face. My arms limp at my sides as I looked over his shoulder into the dark garden, his arm still across my chest. We were outside. I should have screamed. During that ‘round,’ I didn’t fight him off. He was too heavy. My eyes couldn’t meet his.

 

When he was done he backed off to attend to his weapon. He didn’t wear a condom. My heart sank. I pulled my skirt as far down as it could. I walked inside the house with a straight back and my nose turned up. I sat on the couch and watched TV like nothing had happened. When he walked in he tied his locs into a ponytail and went to the bathroom. My mind was confused. My eyes watched the screen but my mind was confused. I wasn’t sure what had just happened? Was that just rough sex? Why didn’t I fight harder? Why didn’t I scream? I was so relieved when I heard laughing voices entering the house, Sipho’s friend were back and he reappeared.

Wayne and the others had gone out to get a few things from the shop. They did not know what had happened. We were all going to a birthday party that night but Sipho turned to me and told he had decided to change the plans and take me home early. HE had decided? HE had decided yet again what I wanted. I remained silent and fetched my bag. We all walked out the house, his friends still laughing and talking loudly. They discussed which car to use. I walked alone behind Sipho towards his car breathing sparks with every step I took. When we both got near his car, I blew with all my might. I thundered at Sipho and screamed with my fists. I kept punching his face, his stomach, anywhere I could. I had never even been in a fight before, he covered his face with the same arms he used on me. I thought I heard shouting, I kept punching. Next thing I was lifted off the ground, arms were around my stomach. Wayne pulled me off Sipho, but I was still trying to grab at him. It took three of them to stand in front of me, to keep me in my corner, they kept telling me to calm down. Three men blocked me and the others were around Sipho asking him if he was ok, every now and then they glared across at me. They all thought I was crazy, my mind screamed

“This motherfucker just raped me!”

 

I opened my eyes again. It is not something I like to think about.